Guild Companies--As I See It: The Forces of 'Should'

There's something I've been meaning to write about for a long time. But you know how it is. There are other important things to write about, and months go by and I still don't get to it. So I've resolved to do it now. Ring. Damn, there's the phone. I'll be right back. . . . Okay, I'm back. But you know, I'm kind of hungry, so I'll just run down to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich. Oh, and after I eat I'll check the mail, pay some bills, maybe trim the old toe nails. Then I'll tackle the subject I've been avoiding for so long: procrastination.

Procrastination gets a bad rap, but I like to think of it as the lazy person's way to prioritize. Refuse to do something long enough, and eventually it may not need doing. At least there's always hope.

In spite of what you've been told, procrastination doesn't have to be a bad thing. People all over the globe enjoy its benefits and practice it with a sluggish fervor. They know that inactivity is its own reward. Small wonder that steadfast practitioners of the art of deferral get a tad touchy when accused of having character deficiencies. Discerning dawdlers realize that people who want to tear them away from the soft work of procrastination have their own agendas.

The best kept secret about procrastination is that it is a biological remedy. (That's our story procrastinators, and we're sticking to it!) The latest research from the wholly fictitious Institute for Guiltless Procrastination--whose letterhead, if they had one, would proudly proclaim it to be an organization "where many are employed but little is accomplished"--suggests that procrastination is a form of genetic programming that assists you to be in harmony with your subconscious. "Life," explains Institute director Dr. Lesdoit Mañana, "is in large part a tug-of-war between 'should' and 'want to.' And from the time of your birth there are a lot of powerful people tugging on the should end."

Parents, educators, corporations, religions, states, are all about "should," and "have to," and "do what we say." Growing up, we heard their admonitions so often, we began to accept them as gospel. You should pick up your room; you have to go to school; you should get a degree; you have to get a job, you should visit your mother; if you want to get ahead, you'll have to work 60 hours a week, and so on, blah, blah, blah.

Standing alone against this onslaught of shoulds and have tos, says Dr. Mañana, is a tiny part of your subconscious he calls The Alamo--"because it holds out against incredible odds." The Alamo knows what you really want to do and fights against the endless onslaught of things you're supposed to do. To keep you from getting inundated, your subconscious cleverly identifies the things you have no interest in doing, and uses the handy tool of procrastination to keep you from doing them.

For instance, any self-respecting subconscious will protect you from cleaning the garage on a sunny Autumn day. Going for a bike ride or sitting on the back deck sipping a beer and watching the leaves turn is much better for your psyche than hauling junk to the dump and sweeping dust sprinkled with mouse droppings that are probably infected with Hanta virus. Any subconscious knows that.

A healthy subconscious will also insist on avoiding things that are unpleasant. A subconscious that has not been terminally battered by the "Forces of Should" would never allow you to start your tax preparation until April 14. Nor will it tolerate regular visits to the doctor. Your subconscious doesn't need another lecture about losing weight, drinking less, and exercising more. It already knows you're an overweight, beer-loving (male) or chocolate-loving (female), couch potato, and it understands something that those aligned with the Forces of Should can't seem to grasp. For thousands of years, common people would have killed for a lifestyle that allowed them to be overweight, beer or chocolate-loving, couch potatoes. This may be what all of civilization has been pointing toward since we crawled out of the slime: A life of ease, comfort, and enjoyment. So cancel that doctor's appointment and have another brew or bon bon.

But, warns the learned doctor, be prepared for a representative from the Forces of Should to lay a guilt trip on you. "Any of these sound familiar?" he asks. "You cancelled your doctor's appointment! (said with indignation and outrage) Don't you care about your health?" Or, "You've been promising to clean the garage for months." Or, "I was hoping you'd have that project finished by the end of the week." Well, says the dallying doctor, just remind them that the key to good health, and to having a good relationship, and to being a good employee for that matter, is being happy. Then ask them to move so they're not blocking the television.

Failed procrastinators will corroborate the sad fact that the Forces of Should can't abide other people's happiness. People living a life of "should" and "have to" are miserable and want you to be miserable, too. But we can forgive them because although they don't realize it, their subconscious minds are working overtime just like ours, trying to save them from being crushed by the weight of the shoulds they carry. Subconsciously, they don't want to do most of the things they do either, so their strategy is to pile on the guilt until someone else does it for them.

Ever notice how happy your spouse is when you do clean the garage? Or how delighted your boss is that he's out playing golf and has you to complete the project on the weekend? You bet they're happy, because you're doing what they don't want to do.

The novice procrastinator can look to the sciences and the arts for inspiration. Einstein's wife probably nagged him to get a haircut, but did he ever look like he had a haircut? Nooo. And Jerry Garcia never picked up his room. (He probably wasn't even aware he had a room most of the time.) But at least they both did what they wanted.

There's an old English proverb that says one of these days is none of these days. All I can say is, the old English must have been excellent procrastinators. That's exactly the strategy today's budding procrastinators must adopt. All together now: "Yes, dear, we'll go visit your mother . . . one of these days." And "Don't worry, honey, I'll get to that garage . . . one of these days." And the favorite of millions: "I'll start that exercise program . . . one of these days." Dr. Mañana would be proud.

Back at the Institute for Guiltless Procrastination, the good doctor tilts back in his recliner (every employee at the institute has a recliner), and ponders his life's work. "Our study was actually completed several years ago," he shrugs, "but no one released it to the media. But, hey, the good news is no one felt guilty about it because we all know that life is one long postponement."

I asked him if that wasn't Henry Miller's line, and he said he was meaning to look it up and would get to it . . . one of these days.

The right of guiltless procrastination, he opined, is the struggle of humankind to free itself form the legions of must, ought to, should, and have to. Remember The Alamo, he told me, choking back a yawn, and just before nodding off he pointed to a plaque on the wall. On it was engraved the institute's motto: Eternal deferral is the price of freedom.