Guild Companies--As I See It: A Shopper's Guide to an IT Christmas

So it's that time of year again. Christmas. A time when people who aren't already killing each other, treat each other nicely for a couple of weeks. Given today's grim reality, it's somewhat ironic that it all started in the Middle East. From a humble manger to "Forgive them father, for they know not what they do." It's been over 2,000 years since that message was delivered, but the birthplace of the Prince of Peace is still a war zone. We're slow learners.

In my less resourceful moments, I think we're a doomed species, arrogant, cruel, and self-destructive. That's probably why I developed a sense of humor; take it all too seriously, and you'll wind up floating face down in the eggnog bowl. Dead French guys seem to have an exceptional understanding of the choice available to us. One who lived in the 18th century said, "I hasten to laugh at everything for fear of being obliged to weep at it." And about a hundred years later another remarked, "A laughing man is stronger than a suffering man." Not a suffering man with an Uzi, perhaps, but you get the idea.

So in the spirit of laughter, which may be the only medicine pharmaceutical companies can't squeeze for profit, I offer the following gift ideas for the discerning IT professional.

Direct from India, a gift every American IT worker can't afford to be without: a claim ticket that entitles you to one outsourced job. What could be better? Invest in your future by returning to the working conditions of the past. You, too, can help your career and your company by moving to Calcutta and taking an 80 percent pay cut. Reap all of the benefits of working 18-hour days, without any benefits whatsoever. Call 1-800-YOU-LOSE. Operators who speak little English are standing by. Laptop not included.

For the AS/400 sentimentalist who just can't seem to part with his old, antiquated system, now being used as a plant stand, here's a gift idea that will add years of life to your obsolete AS/400. IBM proudly presents the AS/400 Toaster Oven Conversion Kit. Yes, IBM recently announced its purchase of the Toaster Oven division of the Kenmore corporation, just in time for Christmas. Send IBM $19.99 with proof of purchase, and the AS/400 Toaster Oven Conversion Kit will be rushed to your door. Product comes with unemployed systems engineer. Installation is extra. Service contracts available in states that have electricity.

"It's a part of our long-term strategic plan to add years of life and usefulness to our product line, while providing technical retraining to thousands of systems engineers," said IBM chairman Big Sam Palmisano, who has been searching for innovative ideas to kick-start Big Blue since he inherited it from the celebrated Lou Gerstner. "Since those SEs have been out of work for a while, we'll ease them back into the world of high technology by letting them install the toaster ovens," he said. "Imagine, a $20 item that costs $675 to install. Now that's IBM service! That's the kind of innovative thinking we haven't seen around here in a while." By next Christmas, Palmisano promised, mainframe owners will be able to purchase the IBM Refrigerator/Freezer Conversion Kit, and PC owners can convert their old laptops to useful magnifying bathroom mirrors; the PC Shaving Kit for men, and the PC Makeup Mirror for women. Displaying his firm commitment to compatibility across product lines and platforms, Palmisano assured anxious PC owners that the kits will be compatible with any laptop, except those actually manufactured by IBM. "Since so few people buy IBM PCs," he said, "it just wasn't worth the engineering effort."

For the male managers on your list, we offer the life-sized Virtual Manager Doll (VMD), complete with power tie, wing tips, and PalmPilot. Just install the VMD behind your desk, and no one will notice you're gone. Spend the day golfing, and rest assured that your VMD will be just as productive as you usually are. The VMD can be programmed to send pointless e-mails to your staff at regular intervals. When they receive their daily set of contradictory priorities, they'll be certain they came from you. VMDs are programmed to answer any question with "I have to go to a meeting," which eventually guarantees an end to bothersome questions and supports your visionary plan to create staff empowerment. Many companies are suspicious that VMDs exist in large quantities and are secreted away in executive suites and boardrooms. They initiate massive searches, send in inspectors disguised as consultants, but search as they might for VMDs, they never seem to find them. In the unlikely case you are discovered, however, your VMD has a useful blame feature. Remember, it's never your fault. Your VMD can spread blame like fertilizer.

And for the kids on your list who spend their leisure hours pirating music off the Internet, thereby making you a target for the litigious reprisals of music industry executives, we have an old-fashioned gift idea. It's sort of an unusual gift that your youngsters may no longer recognize, and you may have to explain what it is: It's called a CD. For the metal enthusiasts in your house, we proudly offer the latest CD from Leper Casserole. Hear the same lyric fragments tortured over and over again by lead guitarist and grunter Deathperado. Crank it up, kids. Get even with your parents for providing you with all that food and shelter.

For the retiree on your list, how about a little magic? Direct from Wall Street we have The Disappearing Pension Trick. Now you see it; now you don't. Your favorite retiree will laugh for hours trying to figure out how his pension could have disappeared right from under his nose. Time and again he'll look at those empty accounts and marvel at the wizardry of those who left him poor. Kleenex not included.

And, finally, a very special software purchase appropriate for everyone on your list. It's something I received over the Internet some years ago; one of those anonymous bits of genius that makes the rounds every now and provides unanticipated moments of hope and inspiration. It's called "Installing Love," and it speaks to the meaning of the Christmas season in a language with which we are all familiar.

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART, ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer: Let me see . . . I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off, ma'am?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes, it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry, ma'am. That's a common problem. It means the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

CS Rep: Excellent. Click the following files and copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, then empty your recycle bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! MYHEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now, and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go.

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will, in turn, share it with other people, and will return some really neat modules back to you.

And thank you, dear readers, for your many kind comments this past year (and even the not-so-kind ones). Happy holidays, one and all. Keep the software running.