As I See It: Predictions and Poetry

It’s that time of the year when pundits predict the coming sunrise and other longshots. Let’s face it though, whether the guesswork is educated or not, it’s still guesswork; and if you’re in the prediction business, it’s best to have a short memory. Or hope that your readers do. Unlike picking stocks, however, which dart-throwing monkeys do as well as stock brokers, IT offers even the most obtuse prognosticator the opportunity not just to get lucky, but to get it right. So here goes. Drum roll please. . . . I predict computer components will become smaller and faster and will provide more function for less money. Da-da!

Be scornful if you must, but if I was as right about picking stocks, I could retire. All right, so it’s not as spectacular as predicting the alien abduction of Sam Palmisano (actually, that’s scheduled for 2008), but it’s not like I’m predicting that personal computer purchases will overtake typewriter sales.

Still not convinced of my prognosticating prowess? OK, here are my Top 20 Predictions for 2007.

• Because of growing industry complexity, the actual usefulness of a product will be inversely proportional to its functionality.
• Filling a long-ignored marketing niche, IBM will announce the release of its new Spam Servers, pre-loaded with an assortment of popular spam. “No more waiting for stock tips and enlargement options,” IBM’s vice president of development will proudly declare.
• Frustrated with the speed of philanthropic progress, Bill Gates will purchase the continent of Africa.
• Hewlett-Packard‘s discharged chairman of the board, Patricia Dunn, will become a privacy consultant.
• Inspired by Dunn’s success, Carly Fiorina, former HP CEO and political wanna-be, will team with Katherine Harris and announce she is running in the 2008 presidential election.
• The U.S. Mail will become the least expensive and most secure form of private communication. Embarrassed by actually administering a program that helps people, the government will seek to privatize it.
• New generations of iPods will have a feature that allows them to be surgically implanted in the brains of people under 16. For people over 60, who thought carrying a Walkman was silly, iPods will be made to look like miniature hearing aids.
• The first marriage between a man and a PC will take place in Silicon Valley. “He really knows how to push all my buttons,” the PC will be quoted as saying. Seven states will immediately pass laws prohibiting such unions.
• U.S. foreign policy will again be conducted in virtual reality.
• Someone will figure out how to explain “phase-change memory” without using words like “crystalline” and “amorphous.”
• Internet pornography will be a bust.
• Nanotechnology will be huge.
• Call centers in India will complain that American callers speak with thick accents that are impossible to understand.
• Because of rising costs, IBM will discontinue health care benefits but will distribute first-aid kits to all its employees.
• Outsourcing of IT jobs will cease after the Chinese refuse to accept any more American jobs complaining that they just don’t pay enough.
• The cell phone will replace the bald eagle as the national symbol. “E Pluribus Unum” will be changed to “No Roaming Charges.”
• NASA will admit that a deep space probe discovered the true origin of the universe. But just when it was about to beam back the answer to the question all humankind has been asking since we first began gazing at the stars, the probe’s computer will go down.
• IT Barbie will be introduced, complete with red eyes, rounded shoulders, dirty coffee cup, and wrist braces for carpel tunnel. Computer desk and laptop, sold separately.
• The iPod and the BlackBerry will be combined into a single device called the Black Berry Manilow.
• And finally, I predict that Christmas will soon be upon us. Ha! And you were skeptical.

There you have it, right from the mouth of a modern day Nostradamus. And in the spirit of the Holiday Season, I offer the following poem with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore, because nothing says Christmas like mangled poetry.

The Night Before

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
not a keyboard was stirring not even a mouse

It was later that day they began to discover
though they didn’t have much, they did have each other.

God de-stress us, everyone.